Sleep Study Not So Restful -- In My Experience, That Is

I feel at this time, the evergreen need to share. It is cathartic! There are polls on this hub, in the hope you will share, too.

Generally, I approach life with a smile -- oh sure, I have a dark side, but so do you. A carefree smile and blood pressure that usually impresses the nurse taking it, are my tools for enjoying most days and situations.

I have called on my smile and blood pressure plenty this year -- more than the average year. Throw out my first trip around the sun when I had spinal meningitis (and which I do not remember, as I was wee one), and 2008 has been my toughest year, with regard to health. I will spare you the full litany of my problems, as we all have our challenges in life. I will share just what is pertinent to this hub.

Currently, I am in the midst my second two-month struggle with insomnia.  I also snore a good bit when I do get to sleep, and my wife worries that I have sleep apnea.  The other important health note for this story is that I am on a once-a-week medication for low testosterone that seems to produce a different side effect each week.  Suffice it to say, each weekly dose generally makes me a little high -- and not in a way I enjoy.

I have the general memory of always thinking people who "got to" participate in sleep studies were privileged -- special. If I saw a piece about a sleep study on some television program, I would say, "Oh, neat!" or "Cool!" What with the diodes hooked to the patient's head and body, and all the requisite spaghetti of wires. "Way cool!"

In my life, it seems the "trend" of the new century has been people attending sleep studies and winding up with "one of those machines".  OMG, I feel like 50% of the adults I know have a CPAP (which is what "those machines" are called, y'all).  The CPAP army includes my dad, so I will not be surprised if sooner or later I am prescribed one.

Lately, sleep at night has been elusive. Daytime naps have come easily, but probably because I have been so tired from the lack of sleep at night. Most recently, I have gotten to sleep at night, only to wake up four hours later -- wide awake and ready to go! It does not matter when I fall asleep. I still awake after four hours (give or take 15 minutes). If I go to sleep at Midnight, I awake at 4:00 AM. If I go down at 10:00 PM, I wake up about 2:00 AM.

You get the idea.

I make the most of these wide awake hours, as soon enough, I am spent and ready for a nap.

Recently, my endocrinologist recommended a sleep study to my GP. I was almost entirely excited. "I've always wanted to do one of those," I said. On Monday of this week, I met with my GP to discuss a number of issues. During this meeting, he said, "Okay. Let's get the sleep study scheduled."

Inside, I was all, "Hurray!"

Soon enough, I was in the office of the practice's head nurse. She called "the sleep study people" in our area, and learned someone had cancelled for Monday night. Whereas there would normally be a backlog, I had the chance to advance to the head of the line. When they further said the study takes place at our area's top antique hotel, the Hotel Northampton, I jumped at the chance. You mean, I get join the sleep study club AND sleep in a cushy bed at Hotel Northampton?

Heck, yes!

I know that sleep studies often happen in sterile environments, so I must say I felt -- and feel -- privileged to have gotten to do mine at a nice hotel. No basement of a hospital, or converted first floor of a suburban office building for me! I can tell you I was humbled to receive the A-list treatment for this sort of thing.

Alas, my joy over joining the sleep study cool kids is now tempered. It turns out, sleep studies are not so restful.

My spouse accompanied me to the hotel to "see me off". We were impressed at the confines of the room when the kind, professional attendant showed us to my room. My wife stayed with me while I filled out the ever-present health insurance and consent forms, and then got comfortable with the room.

We then bid adieu, my wife sweetly handing me her folding Wonder Woman mirror, for courage. (My wife is the very best brand of spouse. I hope your partner is as sweet as she.)

I got dressed in my pajamas (which may have contributed to the night's minimal rest -- I sleep with a scant amount of clothing at home). And then, the attendant entered.

I had not thought about the process of putting on -- attaching, STICKING -- all the points of contact to the subject's -- my -- body. This is where my dream sleep study image met reality.

For the next half-hour or so, it was the attendant "hooking me up to the apparatus" with diodes, and wire, and tape, and -- oh, yeah -- glue, and -- even -- fasteners! I began to feel like Mr. Roboto.

It was not bad, but it was different.

When it came to putting glue in my hair to adhere the equipment to my scalp, that was indeed different.

This entire process did have a fringe benefit I did not foresee. The attendant did a sound, gentle job, and by the end, I was relaxed and heading toward feeling sleepy.

I was almost ready to commence the study, and I was in bed -- tucked in, and pretty much comfy.

"Okay, Reg. One last thing," the attendant said.

One last thing? Is that all? I already have 20 wires coming off me. What's one last thing?

For me, the one last thing was the most awkward.

It seems they needed to put sensors beneath my nose and in front of my mouth. Now, the mouth one was no biggie. I would just had to move it every time I needed to take a sip of beverage, or a bit of snack nuts. (And believe you me! I like to go to bed with my mouth feeling wet and my stomach feeling, at least, not empty.)

The nose sensors? How many?, you ask. Four, that's all. Yep, two in each nostril.

I am sure these sensors suit some people just fine. I grew to find them irritating. At first, they really tickled. Then, I got used to them, but they would come back. And so, we will come back to them later.

The attendant left the room (to take her station next door), the lights were out, and I was left to enjoy HDTV in the dark. The cushy bed with seven pillows combined with the HDTV programming to offset the fact I have sensors all about my body, including those four insipid ones in my nose.

All I needed to remember was there was an infrared camera fixed on me. "Don't embarrass yourself," I said. "No unseemly scratching. Keep your hands at your sides."

Within minutes, I was nodding off.

I recall some instruction over the two-way intercom. I cannot remember what it was. Perhaps, I had moved the mouth sensor too far from my mouth.

I watched a little more TV, then I was ready.

I turned off the TV. Alas, I had trouble reaching around the wires and apparatuseseses to put my glasses on the nightstand. This woke me up a little.

And then I realized, "It's not that dark in here." One of the machines near me flooded part of the darkness with a cool, blue light. It was cool. It was blue. So I got used to it.

Finally, at almost Midnight, I fell asleep.

Almost to the minute, four hours later, I awoke. It was 3:55 AM. I was wide awake, as usual.

Soon enough, the nice attendant entered. You see, if a sensor comes off in your sleep, the sleep study people will generally let it go. Once you awake, time for adjustments!

She put the four edge-of-the-nostrils located sensors in back into place, and I was irritated by them anew. (This would not change the rest of the study.)

I felt the sensation of near-sneezing.

The attendant left.

I had to turn the TV back on and try to relax. I was still wide awake with these itchy things in my nose. Luckily, ESPN had a season-opening college basketball marathon going. Hawai'i and Idaho at just tipped. I watched, enjoyed, and thought maybe I could try to sleep again.

I turned off the TV and tried.

Nothing.

At 4:50, the attendant returned. The nose torture devices needed adjustment again.

"Are you sure?" I thought. "They're still tickling me."

From this point, I was hopeless.

"What shall I write about when I get home? I get to stay here until 11:00, but the study is over at 6:00. How long will I stay? Where should I shower? The one here looks decent. Maybe here."

SNEEZE

SNEEZE

"Now, I've got snot on my nose ticklers."

"Will Obama fulfill the desire for change? Will he really pick Hillary for Secretary of State?"

"Are we going to have enough for next month's rent?"

"Who is the best James Bond?"

"I am NOT SANE!"

5:30 AM, the attendant returns. The nose ticklers are out of place again. She asks me if I think I can sleep between now and 6:00. I say I cannot. We agree to "call it".

We had to disconnect -- unGLUE -- all the things stuck to me.  I am not that hairy for a man, so the only bad part was detaching the wires glued to my head. I lost some hairs there.

The nice, professional attendant, filled out a questionnaire with me, told me she was amazed at my kinder-than-average morning demeanor, and said good-bye. I am very thankful to have done the study with someone so kind.

The room was mine for five more hours (if I wanted it). I turned on the HDTV to find Hawai'i and Idaho playing overtime. "Wow! It's past Midnight there!"

I ate a banana and gave my lovely wife a call.

We agreed to each shower and she would come get me on her way to work.

After, as I arrived home having dropped my wife at work, I walked through the door and thought, "Man, I am tired."

Alas, I was a waste -- no energy, no brain power -- the rest of the day.